Is this what he meant?

Chicago! Tonight begins your chance to Get Rich Cheating. Come on out! Details here.

Massive flooding in Pakistan.
Should we give some aid? You know, a little PR. Or do we want the Taliban swooping in and building another generation of loyal followers/enablers/hiders?
I mean, I’d like some jobs here, but, still… if we’re so worried about terrorism that Rep. Peter King still has a job…
Food for thought…

MSNBC. Dylan Ratigan Show. Pow.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Leading Repubs want to take us back to the past, the glorious, wealth-building, future-ensuring Bush Administration past.

Ah… whoops. Guess they forgot the old saying, “The less you say, the better you look” - Al Babe

Thinking about calling the BP Claims Line to get some cash? Not sure what yarn is best to spin? Consider becoming these people with these claims:

• A blues singer whose life - wife done left me, job won’t pay, dog won’t fetch - actually seems pretty good. No motivation to sing.
• A comedian who really doesn’t think it’s funny any more. Wasted years of comedy training, now going into tragedy. Need money to start at sadness academy.
• Fortune teller who predicted that there’d be no oil spill. Lost all credibility, client referrals.
• The Mayans, for copyright infringement on their whole 2012-the-world-ends thing.
• Mike Brown, GWB’s head of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina. Loss of economic opportunity. Was writing a book, “How I Destroyed New Orleans and the Gulf.” Publisher backing out of deal.

Idiot
Sad thing is, 30% of the voters will believe him.

When the Republicans claim to worry about “judicial activism,” I wonder, by “judicial activism” do they mean rulings like today’s on guns rights, or the one last week on “honest services,” or the one in January on corporate rights and campaign finance, or the one they want over turning health care reform?

I’m not clear which instance of overturning of the express legislative will of the people is “activist.”

Gosh, politics is so hard sometimes.

To: Boss
From: Receptionist
Re: Missed calls while you were drinking with Rand Paul, BP, & Simon Cowell

- “House Votes to Eliminate Hedge Fund Tax Break”
But but but but… they were creating so many jobs!

- OMG! Did you hear about the accident at the offshore wind farm? A bird got totally knocked off course, gusts spilled everywhere, and the wings of a butterfly in China felt completely irrelevant.

- Did the White House try to offer Joe Sestak a job to drop out to the PA Democratic primary? Probably, but, come on… If they really meant it, it would’ve been an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Kreisler-Truth is, they didn’t really like Specter, and this story gives Sestak a leg up in the general election by making it look like he’s going against the Obama Administration. Like “Duplicity” or some kinda Clive Owen film you’ve never seen. I’m not sure I’ve seen it, either, but you have no choice but to believe me. A double agent, that’s what I’m going for… It’s a double agent thing… Like, um, something Jack Bauer would’ve done on “24” to get in with the Russians. Bam! There, I did it, I found a pop culture reference. Phew.

- What’s wrong with this pic? Everything.

- “Lehman Suits Seeks $5 Billion from JPMorgan”
I don’t like it when mommy and daddy fight… (especially since I thought “mommy” was dead).

- “Some folks” don’t think banks should pay into the future rescue fund as part of financial reform. Sure they should, if they want to be people, they have to pay their version of Social Security tax.

- Connecticut Republicans choose this guy’s wife to run for U.S. Senate.
We’re getting closer to the end of everything, aren’t we?

- Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper both passed away. See, this is why I have chosen to avoid fame. I don’t want to be “the third” on any celebrity death list. Totally my choice. Nothing to do with talent or luck or stupidstupidstupid people. I truly enjoy my limited edition, elite, selective, exclusive group of friends and fans… i.e. YOU!

Happy Memorial Day Everyone! Some things…

1. Every political comic/satirist wants to be on CNN to let his or her opinion be heard far & wide. I did it… and got to talk about… Lindsay Lohan. D’oh! SO CLOSE!

2. Here’s moi a touch more serious, on the very cool “Midweek Politics” show… though still, somehow, Lilo comes up. Damn her!
Watch/listen here.

3. Wednesday! NYC! 9:30pm. Caroline’s on Broadway! A great big fantastic comedy show. It’s been a while, come see me and a handful of my favorite comedians. Details & discount code here.

On the radio today, 3pm, talking my fave… politics.
Check it: midweekpolitics.com

“Justices limit life sentences for juveniles”
A 5 to 4 decision. Really, only 5 “Justices” think the mistakes of a teenager aren’t worth the end of a life?

“Putin blames mine leaders for skimping on safety”
See, American democracy is spreading! Blame shifting, dead workers for profit, empty rhetoric. Viva!

Sorry, just need to de-clutter the mind sometimes.

Great week at the Calgary Comedy Festival last week, now onto this one. Been a crazy, busy, fun, exhausting 2010. Lotta travel, writing, jokes, sleepless nights, spilled oil, released ash, Elena Kagans. Good, but tiring. Will recap when I can.

If you’re in Philly, I’ll be at Drexel University this Wednesday, doing the funny. More info here. (Sponsored by Drexel College Democrats).

I’m heading to Atlanta tonight. Gig at Kennesaw State University Monday. Anyone around? Anyone have suggestions?

Official GOP flyer wants female candidate “back in the kitchen”.

Wow. The snakes sure are coming outta the weeds, aren’t they? Nothing like some non-white-males to get the haters to show their slimy heads.

Ken Blackwell, Rep. Bob Ney, GWB term #2, and now this. Really giving Arizona a run for the money as “worst place ever.”

Per @fakeresume: It seems that the facade of civility has melted away doesn’t it?

… and desperation has set in. VA Governor “forgetting” slavery, AZ asking “different” people for their papers, OH putting women “back in the kitchen”… How long until an official GOP document “accidentally” reminds their base that “Hitler had some good ideas”? (My money’s on Nevada).

FoxNews.
I’ll be on TheStrategyRoom. Luckily, Alan Colmes will be there to protect me.
Tune in, online only, here.

Look who’s hoping for Activist Judges now:
“14 states sue to block health care law”

Horrifying to think Alito, Scalia, Roberts, Thomas get to vote on all the Dem bills, too.

Comedy / showbiz is a stupid industry, so it’s nice now and then to feel like your selfish, look-at-me routine actually helps people. It’s even nicer when they appreciate it (because then you get the ego-boosting crap that’s obviously so important [sigh]).

Anyhoo, did a fundraiser the other night for Elijah’s Promise, a very cool organization in NJ. With Scott Blakeman, organized by Joey Novick, and including an assemblyman-turned-funny man Mike Brammick. Was nice.

Here’s what they said to me:
“Thank you again for performing last night at our event… The event brought out a large number of individuals who are new to our organization so it was a successful relationship builder too. Everyone keeps telling us what a great time they had and how hysterically funny you were. We are really so very grateful for your participation!”

(HCR = Health Care Reform, not Hypothetical Creationism Revision as I’d previously thought)

The bill is flawed, weak, & late, but it actually took courage to get it done. It’s courage, frankly, I didn’t think the Democrats had.
Thank you, tea party, ignorance, and hatred for inspiring a few to remember why they got into politics. May your stain motivate others in the general direction of good.

I tweeted last night. It was hot. Read it all here, in reverse chronological order: Twitter.com/JeffKreisler